Recently, we’ve been getting hit by lots of SSH brute force attacks at HTG … and hit hard. The most recent stat was more than 2400 failed login attempts from over 50 unique attackers in a 24 hour period. Most times, I don’t care as long as they don’t get in … but then I sat back and thought, “Man, those fsckers are probably costing on bandwidth somehow.” and that’s where I draw the line.

So once again, Denyhosts is up and running, more than 60 hosts have been banned just today and more are going to get taken down. Now, if only I could come up with a good legal reason to just give my servers the capability to attack back … but that’s not legal … yet.

Do you guys still have that front website design you created when we first began? I finally found someone from china that understands the program.

No. We don’t have it. We didn’t have it the last time you asked either. Read your damned emails for once in you life. If that’s too hard, get your kid to read them to you. You seem to write emails at the level of a 4th grader, maybe a 4th grader could make you understand it. As mentioned the last time, the “front website design” was not part of the initial contract. The site was also specifically written to interface with our billing API. Being as you probably won’t read anything unless it’s in giant AOL-asshole letters, let see if you can read:

NO, WE DON’T HAVE IT! IF WE DID HAVE IT, I WOULDN’T GIVE IT TO YOU! AND THEN, EVEN IF I DID GIVE IT TO YOU, IT WOULD BE IN THE FORM OF ME PLACING IT IN YOUR JAIL CELL AFTER THE COPS ARRESTED YOU!!!

One question I had is the software program you used to upload the pictures will not do any other application ex. (Word,excel,pdf’s). Do you know were you got it at and what would you recommend me to use for that feature.

Yeah, I know where we got it. We wrote from scratch you fucking numb-knuckle. It’s an “image uploader” it’s not going to upload your cluster-fuck of PDF-s that you somehow cobble together into a business unless you have your new Chinese business partner build it in. You’re new Chinese buddy should be able to see that. If he doesn’t see that, he doesn’t understand the program and he’s probably ripping you off. But I hope you’ve already advanced him some cash because I’d love nothing more than to see you go bankrupt again.

Email me again and I swear I’ll call the cops for harassment, the FBI for Internet-cyber-stalking, the IRS for you not paying your taxes you fucking thief, Microsoft for an software-piracy suit against all you for all your stolen software, and the local news station to tell everyone how you screw your clients out of real estate deals and steal stuff from BPO houses.

Hell has a special place reserved for you. It’s going to be the spot where I put my boot up your ass every 5 minutes for all of eternity.

Go rot.

Love to hate, don’t hate to love,

Wyatt

• Diaper pin game
• Ribbon Around the Pregnant Girl
• Guessing the Baby Food
• Cotton Ball Game

As you can tell, these games are above and beyond LAME; however, with my simple to use evil recipes, we can put the BAM! back in the party. So here’s a baby-shower … Evil Wyatt Style

First up, un-LAME the existing games … but they aren’t nearly as good as mine

Diaper Pin Game – UNLAME
Couple of different ways this is played. Some do ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ other do ‘steal them from the other people.’ To un-LAME this, we’ll make people have to pin a cloth diaper that is too small on a balloon filled with shaving cream. Messy and less-LAME!

Ribbon Around the Pregnant Girl – UNLAME
Basic idea is that you cut a length of ribbon and the person who guess the waist of the fat-lady the best wins. LAME! The fix? Make the pregnant lady do a limbo under the ribbon and take guesses as to how low the would-be mother can go. Minutely less-LAME!

Guessing the Baby Food – UNLAME
I don’t think this needs explanation as the the LAME version. This one is kind of hard. I can’t think of much else you can do with baby food other than to feed it to a baby and attempt to guess what color the poop will be; but, there generally aren’t babies at baby-showers and it would take way to long. The only way I can think of to fix this is to have a baby food eating contest. You should probably make your own cause it’s pretty expensive from what I know. Probably a little less-LAME.

Cotton Ball Game – UNLAME
Basic understanding of this is that you blind fold people and the attempt to move cotton balls around the room with a spoon so you can laugh at them when they carry an empty spoon across the room … LAME. Drop this game. Totally scrap it. Unless random cotton balls explode when you take them past half court, or you give the spectators AirZookas and dart guns and put tons of obstacles and tripwires in the “ball” carries way, this is never going to get any less-LAME.

WARNING, TRULY DISTURBING CONTENT FOLLOWS!

Now for the stuff that’s just plain wrong …

Baby Cake
Before we even get to games, we have to have a cake. It’s not a party without a cake. Or hats, but that’s a totally different discussion. Anyway, at a baby-shower, I cannot think of a better idea than having a cake in the shape of a baby. Something along the lines of a Kewpee doll or Cabbage Patch doll … made with red-velvet cake. If you want to go the extra mile, you could put a jelly filling in the middle to give it a nice moist flavor. Better yet, make the mother to be have to be the first cake cutter and then have every one yell “Murderer!!!”

Poopy Party Favors
Take some napkins, put in some parts of chocolate bar in a napkin and nuke it in the microwave for about 10-20sec before passing them out to the guests. Add some Yellow/Red food coloring for extra grossness. This one is simple and could possibly pass for probably not evil, but may be a little better for those who aren’t sure how far they want to push their limits.

Shaken Baby
For this one, you’ll need a baby doll and some of those ShockWatch labels. Stick, shake, see who makes them break the fastest. While it’s totally wrong and disturbing … I think that fits what we are trying to accomplish.

SIDS Drawing
This one you’ll need a few more tiny baby dolls for. Put a mark on 2 of them, and cover it some how (diaper, etc). Make everyone pick a baby out of the bucket and whoever gets a SIDS baby, give them like a gift certificate. For the extra mile, you could get a tiny coffin from the Halloween store to put it in, but that might be crossing the line. This one is even more disturbing, but hey, you wanted evil and wrong and that’s what you’ll get.

Hanger Game
This is my personal favorite for awful. For this one, you need a loaf of bread (unsliced), marshmallow Peeps, and a metal coat hanger. Take the loaf of bread and put a knife straight down the center lengthwise so that it goes all the way through the load … kind of like it was making a tunnel in the bread. Squish a Peep in one end of the loaf. For some extra decoration, get some string black-licorice for the “short and curly-s” around the opening opposite of the Peep. Curve the coat hanger into a long hook and time how long it takes people to retrieve the peep from the business-end of the bread. For the extra mile, take a ketchup packed and unload it on the inside of the bread tunnel.

That’s all I’ve got. As always, I’m not responsible if you friends never invite you back to any parties, you make someone cry, blah, blah, blah. Personal Responsibility … GET SOME!

2. Road Retaliation
You know, I really hate driving down the road and having no good way to retaliate against other cars that act stupidly (i.e., not accelerating at on-ramps, no use of turn signals, etc.). The problem is that you need a way to retaliate that won’t cause physical damage to the other moron’s car; yet, still annoys the crap out of them to the point that they reevaluate why other people hate their pathetic existence. So, I give you the butter-pat cannon. That’s right, those little squares of butter are you’re new best friend. Combine several with a air-cannon of sorts and it’s instant, non-destructive, hard to clean, yet slightly palatable revenge. By the way, don’t do this. It would more than likely cause an accident and that’s just as annoying as dealing with the jerks who would go careening off the road screaming “I can’t believe it’s not butter!!!”

3. Non-user Submission
Ok, this one was not submitted; however, I heard it and thought to myself, “Yes it is true, women do have a very evil streak.” Now before you get all sexist on me, read the damn thing. So Kenny and Kelly work at the same place. Kenny is working on updating a massive piece of documentation and rather than print out the beast in its entirety, he’s trying to print only a few pages that he’s been updating. Not such a shabby idea; however, he’s having a small problem. Apparently, Kenny isn’t all that good with a printer and is becoming more and more frustrated as each time he prints out the section, its not matching up with what he’s asking it to print. Kelly overhears Kenny’s dilemma and the proceeds to star printing random pages out of the same area of the document. Of course, this only adds to Kenny’s hatred of the printer. After several recurrences, and hearing Kenny say “This printer hates me,” Kelly adds the final nail to the coffin by printing out a page that say “I hate you Kenny.” Now that is the kind of evil I’m talking about.

Alright, we’re done here for this round; however, I encourage you to send in your ideas and comments as always. Until, keep on eviling it up.

2. Breaking In The Horn
This one is just too good not to post. A family friend wanted to get his song back for an April Fool’s prank. His son had done something to his car, so he seemed it would be the logical point of reciprocation. Steve found his son’s car in the parking lot of the school and wired his break lights to the horn so that every time his son stopped, his horn would go off. Now I have to step back and just say I wish that I could have thought of this (there’s only so much time for thinking evil thoughts though.) because it is just so devious. The best part is that his son hit every stop light on the way home AND got stuck just about 200 ft. from home behind two of the other neighbors that had stopped to talk to each other in the middle of the road (it’s a county thing…).

3. Marked Man
Ingredients required: 1 or more soap marker(s), 1 or more indignant moron(s). People have been soaping cars for a long time. This is pretty simple and people have been doing it for years, but we’re going to give it a blast from our spice-weasel and kick it up a notch. Enter the soap marker. Basically, find your moron … they are pretty easy to find, they generally park in like 4 parking spaces at once, drive erratically, etc … and wait for them to leave their car unattended. Now, being as many morons travel alone, they generally don’t look at the passenger side of the car … they also tend to drive very poorly and in the fast lane … this means that you should try to focus on the passenger side of the car for you message to the world. I’ve come up with a few to get you started:

• Roadrage Test in Progress, please honk
• I couldn’t park, please spit on my car
• Honk if you would like me to be rude

You get the idea. Be creative and let me know what you come up with.

Well, that concludes another posting of evil ideas. Remember, you’re responsible for your own actions … I don’t use the Jedi mind trick like that anymore. Happy eviling .

2. Wire you upset?
This one comes as a response to helping my friend clean up his yard. My friend’s neighbor is a very inconsiderate piano instructor. I can’t count the number of times that she has come over to complain about him taking down a tree that was nearly laying on top of his garage and how now her entire landscaping scheme was completely destroyed because of how much it change the lighting. “Bah!” I say! So for this to work, you need someone who plays piano and plays it often and a screw driver (one with quick bits would be a big help here). Gaining access to their house can be an issue; however, some social engineering should get you in. When you have the chance, open up the piano and just randomly pick some screws that adjust the tuning of the strings and give them a 1/4 turn in what ever direction you fancy at the moment. Try get as many stings as you can, favoring the middle set of chords as they are generally played the most (generally). Your results will vary, but for the most part, you should make the person’s musical ear want to tear itself off his or her head and drown in a pool of bad clarinet music.

3. Emails
For the more technologically inclined, it’s sometimes easier for us to take vengeance upon the mere mortal users of our systems. If you’ve never faked an email, it’s really not that hard. Here are the basic steps (from a high level):

1. Look up their DNS record for their mail server
2. Telnet to the server on port 25
3. Send an email from whoever you want to be to your victim
4. Sit back and watch

Now, I’m not going to tell you exactly how to do this (too many OS and tool choices for brevity). Another thing to keep in mind is that your IP address, which identifies you on a network, will be logged somewhere. There are ways around that, but you’re going to have to find them yourself.

—

Alright, that concluded the most recent evil ideas. If you have a specific situation you’d like me to address, feel free to give me an email at wyatt at hackerforhire dot org and I will do my best to help you out from an thinking perspective (no, I won’t help you do anything to anyone, I have my own aggenda)

2. Soggy Socks
Here at Hacker for Hire, we are all about the cheap thrills, and this is just that. Take an ordinary water pistol, fill it with warm or cold water (or hot if you feel like being a real bastard). Wait until a hapless victim or someone just annoys the bleedin’ crap out of you and water down their socks thoroughly. If you’ve ever had wet socks, and I know you have, you know just the kind of annoyance this person is in for during the rest of the day. It’s even better if you get them to chase after you because you know that running in wet socks just sucks.

3. Cube Wars
Now this is not a cop-out; but I think that these people have done a great job at showing how to stick it to the cube dwelling morons/jerks in your company. The is called Cube Jinx! and it’s a blog of what people have done to take spread the vengeance around. I think that Katy should submit “Operation Posty” and “Operation Punk’d” to them. I would, but I don’t have her permission and she can tell the story much better than I.

There you have it. If you think the last one was me taking a break, come to me and I’ll name your kid something horrible like “Maya Wood” (real name of the guy at works daughter) so you can have a lifetime of evil pleasure. As always, feel free to comment, suggest, improve, or submit your own ideas, props are always given. Till next time, keep the evil.

2. Wallets
This one is mainly for the girls, but guy can take advantage of it too, though it would be crossing some lines guys weren’t meant to cross. If you are a girl and you don’t know how particular guys are about their wallets, you must have never had a date in your life. So to get the point across, guys are particular about their wallets. Now I know if you are a guy you are saying “No, no no.” But inside your really saying “God no! No! No! No!” cause you know how right I am. Seriously, when is the last time you got a new wallet? And if it was recently, how long had you had your previous wallet? Twelve years for me personally. Now the evil part. Take the wallet (no, don’t keep it) and rearrange everything it it. Move all the credit cards and change the bills around and all kinds of other crazy things. Put in out of date cards and information, old receipts and stuff like that. Be warned though, it is a good chance the guy will either cry or kill. Update: Apparently this will only work on me.

3. A Bad Tip
Credit where credit is due. This idea was sent in by Steve “something or other.” He’s the guy that was at Dave’s birthday part with the wonderful cop stories. Anyway, the setup. You’ve gone to a resturant, you’ve had a horrible experience with your server(s) and you want a little retaliation. Obtain a glass of liquid approximately 1/3 full. Drop in your tip. Cover the glass with a piece of paper or the drink menu or something similar. Flip the whole thing upside onto the tableand pull out the paper/menu and let surface tension do the rest.

That’s all for now. Remember, I am not responsible if you try any of these things and a person in a black robe with a small novelty hammer will inform you of how personal responsiblity works if you get caught.

2. Smoking
I was browsing the internet when I found these. The website pretty much says it all (until the link goes down so I’ll digress “ab ovo usque ad mala”). If you’ve ever seen a WB cartoon from back in the day, (this guy is so wrong) you’ve more than likely seen the exploding cigar. Well, these cigarette loads allow you to be your own animated character for bargain price. I can almost imagine how entertaining it would be to stick about 12 of these buggers in one cigarette and watch the persons hair singe as the cigarette erupted into a magnificent snow storm of tobacco and carcinogens falling lightly too the table. I can even imagine how much more fun this would be if the person were going to the airport….

3. Hand Sanitizer
So as always, I’m generally scraping the bottom of the barrel for the third thing, but technically I count the cigarette loads as two because one is at home and the other as the airport. Basically, I feel no shame for the cop-out on this one. It’s been a while since I’ve seen anyone use the hand sanitizer stuff, but we had some of it in the office and being as my job is horrible and I had nothing to do, my engineering curiosity got the best of me. I’ve noticed that it has just a slightly thicker consistency than the KY warming liquid you see the girl rub on her fingers in the commercial. Go find the commercial here and watch it if you don’t believe me. So enter the idea, find some jerks hand sanitizer and replace it with KY warming gel. Notice I said gel and not liquid, you don’t want it running out all over the place. But the instant it hits their hands, they will know something is up … so will anyone who shakes hands with them the rest of the day. Now that, my friends, is making sure the evil is evenly distributed.

4. Poof! I had another.
Well, I just happen to have one more that I thought of in a parking lot (don’t good ideas always come to you in strange places?). Apparently, you can rent these ‘flash boxes’ used in photography studios. You can also swing by any Walmart and get a power inverter for your car. Aim it out the rear or back passenger window of your car and attach the remote trigger near your horn. Wait for a dark night. I can just hear the conversation with the officer later at night:

Victim: Everthing was going fine, I was on my cell phone and then there was just this bright flash from no where and I drove into the wall.
Cop: Yeah, sure buddy, a flash from no where. And where did you say the aliens left Jimmy Hoffa’s body?

That’s all I’ve got. I’m not responsible for any of this if you try it and all that other fun stuff.