Well, I’m back and finally getting around to posting my rant about my trip to San Diego. I felt that since I really enjoyed a good 95% of my trip that I should separate the joviality from the wild-ass rant. To keep it clean, I’ve broken the rant into sections for easy reading :-).
Computers and Planes
Well, I got to my flight early … of course because it was going to Chicago, it was delayed by about 2 hours. By a small stroke of “luck” we actually bored the plane earlier than the 2 hour delay … only to go sit on the runway for about an hour. Why? Oh that’s simple! According to the captain, there were soooo many flight delays in Chicago that we were going to be re-routed to St. Louis and then to Chicago … but at the last minute that changed and we were headed to Chicago. The only catch was that we had to wait around for another half an hour until the plane’s computer recalculated the flight paths so we didn’t have any planes flying into each other …. Let’s Tarantino this for a second … you mean to tell me that the computer that controls if and where I will smack into another plane takes thirty minutes to figure out if I’m going to smack into another plane? As a software engineer sign me the frick up! I could optimize that algorithm and get it down to at least 10 minutes on random sort! Dear God in heaven, if there is a 30 minute latency on all calculations I’d have a better chance flapping my butt checks trying to get somewhere.
My Favorite Year
I think that my favorite year in history was 1871. That was the year that a majority of Chicago turned into a smoldering pile of ash. Of course, some jerks had to ruin it for me and rebuild the damned thing. I, swear I hate that city. I’ve had one pleasant trip out of the seven times that I’ve been there. Their airport is by far the most disorganized pile of cruft in the world. I’m willing to be that 95% of the delays caused at other airports are a direct result of the incompetence that grows from Chicago. They gave me 5 minutes to cross 3 terminals when we landed. 5 minutes to make it just under a half-mile. Two … not one, but two crap sticks in their little carts drove by me running full out to pick up people that were just sitting around. Two!!! I made it to the gate and the guy was walking back from the plane to the desk and said “Hey, you just made it.” You’re damn straight I just made it. I wasn’t about to be stuck in the seventh ring of hell over night like Dave.
Seat Cramping-Kicking Action
The nice thing about being the last one on the plane is you get to wait in the aisle while everyone else in front of you bumbles around in an attempt to get in their seat or put their crappy non-standard sized luggage in the overhead bins that don’t belong to their area. So I get to my seat after running to the very tail of the plane to stow my carry on that actually is carry on sized and the lady next to me asks me to switch seats with her daughter because she and her husband are going to be caring for a baby during the flight. Exhausted and trying to be a good sport, I swap seats on the plane with the brat. So now the family setup is thus:
Now why they couldn’t just get a cluster of seats right next to each other (which is an option when you buy the tickets) is beyond me. The eldest son was driving me nuts. I don’t care who you are, but you do not use my seat head rest as a pillow you jackass! You’ve got your own, use it! Hell, ask for a damned pillow from the flight attendant. It’s not like they didn’t give out a friggen blanket to every moron on the flight who wasn’t smart enough to turn off the stupid air vents above their seat after takeoff, you think they won’t give you a crappy pillow??? Aside from having “Righty” trying to sleep on me for most of the flight, the flight itself was nearly 45 minutes longer than it was supposed to for some unknown reason. The last hour I spent trying to restrain myself from killifi-ing the twerp behind me for the non-stop kicking of my seat.
This is another one that drives me fricken batty. The plane is dark, but not so dark that you can’t tell people are “trying” to sleep with their heads on … you guessed it, their head rests. I had at least 25 people walk from the front of the plane to the back of the plane to go to the restroom and every single one of them had to grab and shake the headrests as they were walking their fat haunches down the aisle. I know that we are flying at 200 mph and there is the occasional chance for turbulence, but it’s not so bad you need to wake up every person in the aisle by sticking your thumb in their eye as you mosey down to the poop-er. Show a little respect to the rest of us you mid-air poo-ers (yes, poo because it’s airborne).
Crazy Like a Fox
Never rent a car from Fox. They are lying jerk faces. Orbitz sucks too because they recommended them. Why do they suck? Quite simply because they are liars. I got in just after 1 AM local time in L.A. and tried calling my car pickup number … it didn’t work. So I called the corporate 24 hour number … it was disconnected. I called the local L.A. headquarters and went through all 15 options on their damned menu, left 3 harsh voice-mails, and tried calling the other 24 hour number which was conveniently disconnected as well. Due to these bastards, we had to go rent a car from National and pay out the ass for it by comparison. I called American Express and told them to put a watch out on Fox in case they try to charge me, but so far they haven’t … and that’s good. If they do, I’ll fly to L.A. and grind their kneecaps to dust and shatter their pelvises. Bastards. Oh yeah, you go to hell too Orbitz, just for being the go between. I’m writing in to your customer service and telling them how I’ll go with the creepy-ass gnome from now on.
Raphael’s Emotional Baggage
Take it away Dave.
Whew!!! Doesn’t that feel better? Alright, go get some alcohol and wash the bitterness off while you read the next post about how cool the trip was :-).